why we have sympathy for the bad guys: #potterchat

To continue with the #PotterChat Blog Tour, I feel like I'm about to open the weirdest, smelliest can of worms out of the bunch. After reading this, please don't chuck old bananas and Rebecca Black hard copies of Friday, please (however pastries, copies of Lucky magazine, or a free apartment in my local area I will totally take!)

So from the past few days we've had an exciting series of posts. Jami touched base on how Harry Potter inspired her to write, Ava hit her too favorite Harry Potter moments, Bekah talked about Harry as a hero and how he wormed his way into our hearts, and today Kiki is talking about the magic of Harry Potter, from the setting to objects and people! All of them are shining a light of perpetual happiness and general good humor on some of the best parts of the series J.K. Rowling has crafted for us, like the ever-hilarious message to Snape from the Marauder's Map, or how Dobby proudly proclaimed that, outside of his freedom, he now received a Galleon a week for working at Hogwarts, even if he was tending to a drunken Winky much of the time.

But me, ever being the weirdo, chose to dance with my hands in the fire and show everyone why, deep down, we still have a soft spot for the evil guys in the books. Yes, you read that right. How exactly can you even consider sympathizing with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?! What about Draco Malfoy? Or the most talked about villain-playing-double-sides Snape? In the words of the shrunken head from the PoA movie, "Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks! It's going to be a bumpy ride!"

Let's start chipping away at Voldemort. Being the biggest honcho of the bunch on the Villain Scale (I will craft this one day but for now it's going to exist in my head >_>) we all know he's capable of doing plenty of unspeakable things. Killing Myrtle, Harry's parents, and Snape just to name a few, he holds no remorse what so ever for his actions. In no way should we feel even the slightest pinch of feelings for this guy short of anger. But think about it. He didn't turn into Voldemort overnight on a whim. From birth, Tom Riddle has been shuffled, sideswept, and abandoned like a used candy wrapper. His father conceived him under the effects of a Love Potion, an automatic bad sign. As soon as his father came out from the haze, he fled, never caring about the child Merope was carrying. His mother died after giving birth to him, from grief or complications, or both. From there he spent time in an orphanage like Annie, only there was no Daddy Warbucks to come to his aid, unless you count Dumbledore. Even there, he was shunned and stepped aside, only looked at when things went wrong.

Had those circumstances happened to any other person in the series, we'd sob. We'd grab our sleeves of our hoodies and blow into them as we wished we could hug Tom and give him a lollipop. But instead, because we only see him in his current form, a phobic of death who's trying to kill an innocent boy, we dislike him. At least Draco Malfoy had a fighting chance for redemption throughout the series.

For Draco Malfoy, things weren't the best in the beginning. He was a stuck up, snobbish boy whom Harry met and wished he could shove a pencil in his eye. For the first several books, it doesn't get much better. He constantly bullies Harry and sets him up for failure, picks on any person he can with the knowledge that his Daddy-dearest will cover his pale behind. But thankfully, by the end of the series, he seems to hold a touch of a human heart by being unwilling to kill Dumbledore and sparing Harry when he was caught and brought to Malfoy Manor. So why would we possibly like him? Just because of an ending? Why, or how could we feel for this cruel child?

Easy. His Daddy. Think about it. How would you behave if you had a Death Eater for a father breathing down your neck to be this perfect, snobby little brat and keep everyone else under your shoes? If his father had been out of the picture, Draco could have been so much more human, and realizing that, you have to feel a little bit for the boy. It was the biggest wild card in the series, Snape, that you had either the easiest time feeling for, or the hardest.

Serverus Snape was a man of many faces throughout the series. Instantly on Harry like white on rice, he left no room for the boy to breathe, least not without losing points from Gryffindor. If he wasn't subtracting points, he was demeaning Harry, constantly bringing him down for looking and behaving like his father. And then you have the big whopper of a moment: he killed Dumbledore in what looks like cold blood. Now, if he wasn't already blacklisted by most, having him kill Dumbledore certainly earned him a permanent mark on his record in the form of a large red smear. Yikes! No way could we feel any pity for this cold-hearted man. Right?

Wrong! Thanks to the lovely J.K. Rowling, we got to see a side of Snape we half-hoped for, and fueled sobbed for. While we gained insight into his tormented past and his unliked persona (very much like Voldemort, mind you) we also got to see him love, something no man who was heartless could ever do. We were granted the ability to see him hold a never-ending torch for Lily Potter, and his undying promise to protect the only remaining piece of her in the form of, you guessed it, Harry! In those few moments of his past, you probably felt the small black hole you had reserved in your heart just for him expand into a big red heart of gold, amazed that even after seventeen years, he was still carrying a torch for a woman he would never have. That, to me, earns every inch of sympathy I can feel.

That's it for today for me, but that doesn't mean the fun is over! Remember guys, this is a Scavenger Hunt, to keep your eyes peeled for those answers to the questions I posted earlier this week! They're on all the blogs and will pop up as the days go on, so keep 'em saved somewhere so when the times comes, you submit them and earn a prize! YAHOOOOO!

And with that, I leave a question for all of you readers! Have you ever had a character you hated so much, but still somewhere held a soft spot for them? Were they a bad guy or just a tragically misbehaving good guy? Leave your comments below!

something potter this way comes! #PotterChat!

I feel like I've been dying the past week. Not ebola-like dying, but just general mind-warping-into-the-carpet dying. While I'd like to blame it on my boyfriend who just moved up here, or my lack of focusing skills the past week on ANYTHING concrete and solid, it's just me and my insides and what's left of a life-long issue from a simple food poisoning event at a local eatery over a year ago. I'm plotting their demise still, don't worry.

But no more sad talk! Because regardless of my declining health, I HAVE GOOD NEWS! Delayed, but still good news.

A group of some ridiculously awesome people whom I have had the pleasure to meet on Twitter have yanked me into this wicked thing called a blog tour! (Remember when I mentioned that a few posts back? Well, it's here!) We officially started the #PotterChat Blog Tour on Monday, and it's running from the 18th until the 22nd with really wicked, crazy people jibber-jabbering about Harry Potter! So, if you haven't gotten enough of it between the movie release and the delay for the pre-opening to Pottermore on July 31st, here's your shot to get in on some of the magic! Oh, and if that wasn't incentive enough for some of you, did I mention there's a SCAVENGER HUNT with PRIZES included?! Yeah, you read that right! I've got all the deets below thanks to the lovely SP Sipal!

Each day, some of our lovely and extremely interesting bloggers will bring you a new post on Potter sure to help quench your craving for that golden Harry Polyjuice. Then, at special designated times on Twitter, join us for a #PotterChat, where you can discuss live with the bloggers and other fans all things Potter -- your review of the movie, your expectations for Pottermore, whatever.

But BEST OF ALL -- is the PotterChat Scavenger Hunt. Follow the clues from one blog to another, collect the Q&A answers and a nearby letter, then put each letter together to form one very special Potter word. When all answers and accompanying letter have been revealed, e-mail the unscrambled word to PotterChat8@gmail.com. First correct entry gets first choice of prizes, second entry gets second choice, and so on.

Here are our fabulous Bloggers with links to their blog and Twitter:

Monday:

---------> PotterChat Announcement!

Writability by Avalon Jaedra on Top Five Favorite Harry Potter Moments (9:30 a.m. Eastern)


Tuesday:

Jami Gold, Paranormal Author by Jami Gold on Harry Potter and Beyond: What Inspires You to Write? (8:30 a.m. Eastern)

Bekah Snow's Blog by Bekah Snow on Heroes Worth the Read: Ways to Make Your Characters Jump into Readers' Hearts (7 a.m. Eastern)


Wednesday:

Alivia Anders; Musings of a Microwaving Burrito Enthusiast by Alivia Anders on Why We Still Feel Sympathy for the Bad Guys

Kiki Hamilton, Author, by Kiki Hamilton on The Magic of Harry Potter: People, Places and Things (10 a.m. Eastern)


Thursday:

Paranormal Point of View by Lisa Gail Green on How To Leave 'Em Wanting More! The Wonderful World of Potter (7 a.m. Eastern)

Lyn Midnight Against the Odds, by Lyn Midnight on The Boy Who'll Live Forever... in Fan Fiction (9 a.m. Eastern)


Friday:

HarryPotterforWriters by S.P. Sipal on Coming Home to Theme (9 a.m. Eastern)


 --------> Final Round-up and Prize Winners


#PotterChat:
Here's the schedule for our one-hour #PotterChats on Twitter each day. We've tried scheduling for various time zones. Simply follow the owl...I mean the hashtag!  :-)

Monday: 9 pm Eastern
Tuesday: 4 pm Eastern
Wednesday: 11 am Eastern
Thursday: 9 pm Eastern
Friday: 5 pm Eastern (where we'll reveal the prize winners!)

Scavenger Hunt Prizes:

A copy of The Faerie Ring when it releases Sept 27th from Kiki Hamilton
A first chapter critique by Lisa Gail Green
3 chapter Beta read swap from Bekah Snow
A first chapter (20 pages or less) critique from Alivia Anders
A query letter critique OR critique of your first 5 pages by Avalon Jaedra
Beta read up to 5K words by Jami Gold
A first chapter critique (up to 20 pages) by S.P. Sipal
A critique of your first two chapters OR a guest spot on my blog from Lyn Midnight
A PDF or Kindle copy of A Writer's Guide to Harry Potter by S.P. Sipal


Scavenger Hunt List of Clues:

Here are the clues that you will have to follow and find throughout the week. As in the Potterview Secret Streetview Quest, each of the answers will reveal a letter.  Once you have found ALL 8 clues with their accompanying letter, unscramble them and put together to form a very well known word from the series.  Then, e-mail your one word answer to Potterchat8@gmail.com.

Please note: You cannot submit your entry until 9 a.m. Eastern on Friday, so hold onto your answers!
-In Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone, when Professor McGonagall introduces Harry to Oliver Wood saying that she's found him a Seeker, she also notes that Harry caught the Remembrall in a dive that even who could not have done?
-In Chamber of Secrets, who helped get Harry out of trouble in Filch's office by persuading Peeves to crash the vanishing cabinet on the floor above?
-In Prisoner of Azkaban, what shape did Dean's Boggart take?
-In Goblet of Fire, what does Dobby reveal to be his pay per week for working at Hogwarts?
-In Order of the Phoenix, the Weasley twins planted this outside of Umbridge's office before leaving Hogwarts.
-In Half-Blood Prince, during Dumbledore's visit to Tom Riddle's orphanage, he instructs Tom to empty items out of his box in his wardrobe.  Name one of the three items mentioned.
-In Deathly Hallows, this gift was the end of Peter Pettigrew.
-In Deathly Hallows, on the radio show Potterwatch!, although he wanted to be called "Rapier," Lee Jordon initially introduced one of the Weasley twins as... (this name).


Thanks for visiting and for playing! We look forward to a wonderful week with lots of fun!

harry potter; why it can be furthest from the book and STILL succeed

Ladies and gentlemen, women and children, wizards and witches alike, the final moment has arrived. Last night at 12:01 am EST, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 was released in the US, and I was one of the fortunate to have survived the mobs, piles of tissues, popcorn, butterbeer flavored cupcakes, Bertie Botts Beans, and enough soda to put people in diabetic comas. This is going to be as extensive of a review and thoughtful blog as I can manage on 4 hours of sleep, so Potterheads alike, please continue to read.

THE FOLLOWING BELOW CONTAINS SPOILERS TO THE MOVIE. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU DO NOT READ THIS POST. LOOK AT YOUR FINGERNAILS INSTEAD.

In all seriousness, the movie left me feeling a little empty. And this isn't because it was the final 'hurrah' so to speak. I found that during the movie, I was so wrapped in it, I barely paid much attention to the forgotten bits that when I left the theater, I was still kind of wondering if I had actually just seen the movie, or if I had fallen asleep waiting for it. But that doesn't mean I didn't like it! Au contraire, I loved it. But I loved it more like you would love a separate item than put the book and movie together as one.

Take Harry and Ginny, for example. Nothing against you Hanny or Girry shippers out there, but I have always been a Harmony shipper (Harry/Hermione) and will continue to remain one until my dying breath. This falls more on J.K's shoulders than the directors of the movie, though. Even in the books the relationship felt forced. Harry and Ginny went from being Stalked and Stalker to Magical Couple That Looks Like A Young Lily and James Potter. I found their 'relationship' to be strained from the get-go. They had so little time in the movies playing cutesy-developing-couple as the books had. Heck, in fact, anyone who WASN'T Ron and Hermione had massive downplayed developing-romance time. If Ron and Hermione's underlying tension hadn't been played into every move they made on screen and in the books, maybe others like Tonks and Lupin would have had more time for explanations.

Speaking of Lupin and Tonks, how about how HEART-WRENCHING it was to see them dead, touching hands? I was already mourning over Fred on the floor and then BAM, here's Lupin and Tonks gone. To a well-read Potterhead, we all thought of Teddy Lupin, the new pretty baby these two just had. To the casual moviegoer though, they get the whopper of information later on, AFTER Lupin is dead and Harry uses the Resurrection Stone to see him, along with his parents and godfather Sirius one more time. I had always wondered why he didn't bring Dumbledore with him using the Stone before death, but figured that one out both later in the book and in the movie.

Dumbledore had been waiting for Harry all along in his pretty-in-white death scene. I will admit I was sitting there gritting my teeth when they never explained Dumbledore and his hellish past, but I guess they decided to drop it since it didn't tie into anything deep in the movies. Was anyone else creeped out by the bloody Voldemort baby thing lying on the floor? A friend of mine said someone compared it to a chicken wing. I'm thinking it needs a little more meat for that.

Freakish chicken-wing-Voldemort aside, we finally got see more than one side to Voldemort. We saw Creepy Smile Voldy, Cackling Like A Crack Den Owner Voldy, and the guy who randomly went, "NEEEE-AHHHHHHHHHH!" while pointing not-his-wand skyward and planning to kill Harry.

And then we get what I thought was the worst part of the whole movie; Harry and Voldemort's fight. In the book, it was epic. Everyone stood watch as Harry was laid dead on the ground, Voldemort did a weird prance and giggled over his win, Neville launched into Kill Bill mode and Harry snuck off under his cloak with everyone going, "HOLY MERLIN'S BEARD. WHERE DID THE CORPSE GO?!" Then the big talk unveiled where Harry declared he knew all about Voldemort after un-cloaking his badass self, and they did another wand connection which backfired on Voldemort and he died. What did we get instead? Harry grabbing Voldemort and flinging himself off a cliff and half-flying, half-disapparating all over Hogwarts, random chasing through the castle, and Voldemort's secret weapon; BANDY SLEEVES.

The whole night wasn't wasted on a decent movie, though. McGonagall opened a can of Mega Whoop Ass like she so deserved to. She was short-changed in her scenes with Harry for the diadem search in Ravenclaw common room, but I wasn't sweating that too much. Not with other characters coming to life.

Neville was one of them. We all knew he was stashing in the Room of Requirement for the majority of the final year, but some of the scenes he had was pure comedic and bravery gold. Killing Nagini, taunting the enemies on the bridge, and his random idea to find Luna and declare himself before he died was fantastic. In one movie HE got more airtime than Harry and Ginny's relationship (I'm still on their coupling case, sorry!).

Of course, we were all waiting for Molly Weasley's, "Not my daughter, you bitch!" moment and were greatly rewarded to see the fire in her eyes.

But the biggest, and I mean biggest, show stealer of them all was Alan Rickman as Snape. When I say this guy had better nab every award he is nominated for (and he better be nominated for everything possible) I mean it. The biggest payoff of the entire series on that premiere was unveiling all of him. We got to see, though his tears, just how much he really loved Lily. Cradling her dead body in his arms, sobbing, I couldn't hold back. If I think about it too long, I'm going to start crying all over again. It was hard enough watching him die in Harry's hands, but then we were subjected to pure torture by his memories. And it was beautiful. If Alan Rickman were to ever read this, I tip my hat to you. No one could have made Snape as memorable as he did.

Now, while I go sob over my lunch break as I recall those scenes, I say this; Harry Potter will never die. And if you chose to read this whole thing against the spoilers before seeing it, now you have to. I compel you. Snape compels you. Harry's aged face, Ron's beer gut, and Draco's receding hairline all compels you to go watch it again and again and again.

If you have seen it, what did you think of it? Was it not close enough to the book, or close enough movie-wise?

a big, special thank you!

No, this is not a big sloppy wet kiss. And yes, the cake here is not a lie.

I felt like I had to blog after my explosion after the past few days. It all just went in this crazy, beautiful whirlwind of flying Tweets, comments, ideas and new friendships. And now I want to share all of it with YOU.

Illumine went up on Wednesday, July 6th. In two days, my blog got 116 hits. Small by most standards, but considering I was releasing a single chapter, and because I'm so new to the world, THIS WAS HUGE. I owe this to all, yes ALL, my friends on Twitter, Facebook, my cousin Alicia, and boyfriend Tim. Each and every one of you contribute in some way to those counts, and I have to thank you for that.

From all this commotion, or by straight up kismet, I was featured in an online paper called The YASaves Report. Again, it's small, but to me? FREAKING. HUGE. I actually took a screen shot to send to Tim because I was in disbelief.

Between a few new friends who turned out to be Harry Potter fanatics as well, I was invited to a blog tour. Me. In a blog tour. I screamed for that one. (We're still planning the TOP SECRET events of that, but look for the #PotterChat hashtag on Twitter soon! I promise to tell more as soon as the gag order is reversed. -wink-)

After the first day of Illumine's reveal, I received a few messages from close friends who gave me both criticism and told me what they loved about it. So, Katie W., Alicia, and Lily, thank you girls.

The icing on the cake? When I saw my friends jump and rise to the challenge of helping me hit my first 100 followers on Twitter. That marked my third and consecutive day of straight up happiness. And it's all because of each and every one of you. Seriously. I don't know what I would do without you guys. So, to keep my promise, I give you... DIGITAL CAKE!

Sneak Peek of ILLUMINE!

Alright, guys and gals, I think I've been talking about the first bits of my soon to publish story for quite some time now (and in mystery format, no less) to safely say that, if you haven't already had the urge to strangle me, throw things at me, de-friend me on Facebook (please don't!) or more, you're probably still reading my blog and going, "Well, what are you waiting for, Alivia? Let's see this!"

Excerpt from ILLUMINE

The fire was growing, spreading past the bands that held him in place. Tiny rivulets raced over his face and burned into his cheeks and hair. "It will kill you, you know," he hissed under the burn of the fire. "If you don't get help in time there will be nothing left. You'll burn from the inside out. Your own blood betraying you."

My grasp on the fire weakened, the flames flickering and receding. He was bluffing, he had to be. Kayden burst outward into black smoke, returning to his human shape across the hall, away from my grasp.

The fire crackled inside my palms, slowly dulling to nothing. As soon as the flames died my knees gave out. My entire body shook and I struggled to breathe. Sweat coated every inch of my skin, leaving me feel like I had just dipped into a bucket of ice water.

Kayden came closer but still hung back. His expression was guarded. "It's already burning you out. Don't you feel it? Like the air will never return to your lungs?"

Slowly I slid down the lockers until I was sitting against them, gasping for breath. The room was spinning into one giant pile of color. I shook my head and blinked, trying to re-set my eyes before I passed out, or worse, threw up from the spinning sensation. "I don't need your help."

Amidst the colors came a laugh. "Of course you don't."

"Just because I'm passing out on the floor doesn't mean I can't still detect sarcasm you twit."

My eyes started to re-focus, the blurry image of Kayden kneeling before me came into view first. "You need help. Before you lose control and hurt someone."

"Like you?" I snapped. I tried to stand but slipped back down to the floor from jelly legs. "I don't know what this, this thing is, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life. You've already done enough of that for me." Another attempt to stand failed and I found myself back on the floor shaking. With one final push I stood tall, staring down Kayden as he continued to kneel.

"Stay there, I like you better when you're bowing at my feet," I whispered as a throng of students came up into the hallway. Our teacher came down the hall and opened the door for class.

English was one of the few subjects I had no problem tuning into and focusing in. Kayden was seated out of my sight, Abigail right next to me, and anything the teacher liked to dish was relatively easy for me to handle, especially when I had already read all of Shakespeare's works in 6th grade out of sheer boredom.

"We're going to continue with our look into Othello today, so open your tombstones under your desks," the teacher muttered darkly. It was a never-ending joke with her class that she called the textbooks tombstones since they practically weighed as much as one.

As I reached underneath for my copy of the book I felt a stab in my stomach. Automatically I sat up straight and breathed, the hot-knife feeling only growing worse.

"You okay?" Abigail raised her eyebrows at me. I gave her a little nod and slowly reached back down for the book under my chair. Another stab sharper than the last hit my stomach again, the pain spreading into my chest with a burning sensation I'd never felt before. I doubled over and pressed my forehead to the cool desktop.

From the back of the classroom I heard Kayden. "Essallie doesn't look too good."

The teacher shot took one look at me and panicked. "Oh no no no, I am not having another kid get sick in my class. Abigail, take her down to the nurse, quickly."

An arm slipped around my shoulders and hoisted me out of my seat. It was all I could do to keep my lips pressed tight from screaming at the pain. "Get her things. She's on fire, I can feel the fever coming off of her in waves."

Wait, that was Kayden talking, not Abigail. Kayden was the one carrying me out of the classroom, and into the hall, and down to the nurse. I wanted to spit in his face, maybe even set him on fire in front of everyone for a little show. I was getting sick of him trying to play hero to my slips and falls.

Eyes closed, I felt him carry me out of the classroom and down the hallway, Abigail right by my side. "She was fine this morning," I heard her say. "Hell she was fine two minutes ago. What do you think happened?"

"My theory probably isn't the one you want to hear," Kayden replied truthfully. He lightly adjusted his arms to hold me up better. "She wouldn't like me to spread my ideas."

Too true. Letting everyone know I could potentially engulf them in flames if they looked at me crossways would probably put a damper on my mood. "What, do you think she brought something with her from New York? Like a Typhoid Mary of the modern era? Bad ass."

"Not quite, but sure, we can go with that," Kayden laughed.

"I'm right here, you know," I whispered through tight lips. Pain was driving down into my bones, stabbing like millions of scalded, jagged blades into my skin. He turned into the infirmary and followed the nurse's directions to set me down on a cot in the back room while Abigail explained everything in the other room.

"It's happening, you know," he whispered in a low tone.

"Nothing is happening," I managed to snap back at him. "It's just a reaction to lunch. I haven't been handling food well. Must be coming down with a bug."

He shook his head. "If she takes your temperature, it's going to show you should be dead. Your powers are coming in, like it or not. What happens next is how you handle it."

I raised my head off the pillow as much as I could manage. "How about I just set you on fire and get it over with?"

"I hope you're still this feisty when the fever wears off," Kayden said, the corners of his lips twitching.

"You haven't seen a fraction of it yet," I laughed despite myself and let my head back down onto the pillow. Sweat beaded and trickled over my skin, suctioning the pillow and flimsy sheets to me like glue.

The nurse stepped in with Abigail and immediately shooed Kayden away from me. Both hung back as she ran one of the new thermometers over my forehead and waited for the reading. When the results came up she shook her head and reset it before running it over my head again. But the results left her face just as ashen as it had the first time.

"Can't be right," she smacked the device in her hands a couple of times. "Let me try again before I get the old one."

"What did it say?" I asked in spite of myself.

She laughed, nervously almost. "This new technology is so temperamental. It said you have a fever of 120 degrees, but there's just no way that's possible. You'd be dead." The reading flashed at her again and she jammed it into her pocket. "Now it's saying 122 degrees. I'm getting the old one."

I felt my stomach drop, the pain flaring through my body again. She turned around and sent both Abigail and Kayden back to class but not before I had a chance to steal a look at Kayden. His eyes were shining like polished coal, his lips curved into a tight-lipped smile.

After seven different attempts with both the old and new thermometers the nurse finally called Jayson to pick me up and take me home for the day. She stressed that ice baths, ice packs and cool rags would surely bring the fever down and break it within the day. He led me up to my room and made sure to bring rags in every half hour soaked in borderline frozen water. Nothing was bringing the fever down.

Between hazes of the fever and pain that forced me into blackouts I had fitful dreams. Creatures of all shapes and sizes continued to reach out to me as I used the fire to burn them past my path. By the time I would wake up the fever would be spiking higher, the pain so intense I'd throw up.

At one point I managed to drag myself to the tub and turn on the faucets, shoving myself in with my clothes still on. The water felt worse than the stabbing pain inside me, and I screamed. Jayson had run upstairs to pull me from the water and back to my bed, but he said my fever seemed to have gone down from the bath.

I felt like I was dying. Nothing wanted to work, from my legs to my heart, it all moved like an animal on its last leg. Each breath felt like I was putting all of my energy into it. Giving in suddenly seemed easier, plausible.

happy 4th of july!

Happy 4th of July everyone! Here's to hoping you're all stuffing your faces with hot dogs and hamburgers, potato salad and deviled eggs, and enough Coca Cola to pump a good sugar rush as you run around with sparklers or watch explosions of fireworks all night. Yeah, that was definitely a run-on sentence. But anyway, point is, have fun everyone! Here's a cake;

how do you not know veggietales?!

I feel like I left the blog on a bad note from the other day with my depressing post. But I hadn't quite figured out the magical formula to write a good uphill post, so mainly I've just been spending the past few days working at my actual-paying job, coaching and cheering Tim to find a new one, and editing like the worst critic on Illumine for my first piece release this Wednesday. It kind of went something like this:

Work > Edit > Chug a Coke, Sweet Tea, and eat nachos > Work > Get no sleep > Sob > Edit

Or something like that. I'm not really so sure I worked that much, but I'd like to think I put in my best effort given my state of thought with the idea that if Tim stays jobless for too long things get dicey in the work field and then I started thinking of him on the street (which would never happen but I spaz about it nonetheless) and then I started hyperventilating and then I couldn't write so I got annoyed and, yeah.

So the past few days have been a little weird and all, and here I was thinking I was only going to post once this week about my big unveiling and all when Tim tells me he's never heard The Water Buffalo Song from Veggietales.

Um. WHAT. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW VEGGIETALES?!

I felt so bad for him that I had to play the song over my ipad to him via Skype. Of course, he just sighs and goes, "What was that?" but I'm too busy laughing to death because I cannot listen to that song without cracking up. Or singing along. Sometimes both.

But, yeah. Adventure of the day was a Veggietales spam-a-thon via YouTube. Just wait until I get him to listen to My Lips. Hehehehehehe.

Oh! And in case I haven't spammed my blog posts and Twitter enough with my mentions, don't forget this Wednesday, July 6th, is the day I'm releasing the first few chapters of Illumine for preview, along with the pretty little jacket synopsis! I'm so nervous about it, honestly, it's got me kind of twisted in knots and drinking twice as much Coca Cola and energy drinks than my stomach can probably handle in ten years.

OH. And in case you are also in the same boat as Tim, aka, S.S. Veggietales What?, here is The Water Buffalo Song!

two birds, one rocket. cataclysmic destruction.

Today is not a good day. Not a sad day, or a mad day, or even a throw-my-tv-out-the-window day. Just not a good day.

I tried to give today the benefit of the doubt this morning when I woke up by ignoring the various problems that were awaiting me. My earache had manifested into a double ear infection/swimmer's ear, I was days behind on editing, and bunches of little things that I normally wouldn't let bother me were creating a full scale nuclear warhead in my brain. Then I got the most heartbreaking news of all day.

Tim lost his job.

It's depressing to say I felt the ground come out from underneath me, but I did. It's awkward to say I felt no air in my lungs, but I did. And for a moment, I felt myself crack under the surface. We had planned for months now that next year would be the year we'd move in together, a small nest egg preserved for hard times, my first book finished and published with more in the works. The six seconds it took me to read his text telling me of his job loss, and that picture vanished.

Now I'm not saying everything is destroyed. Against all odds, Tim will find another job, I just know it. I will still publish, come hell or high water. And when the time is right, we'll move in together, just not right now. I have to be strong.

Have you ever felt like you couldn't accomplish your goals? Like you were six feet under before you even started? I'd love to hear your triumphs over your struggles, if anything but to show me that I'm not alone and we, Tim and I, can pull through this together.