hello hello, remember me?

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry, guys (and gals) for abandoning my post, but before I begin my blog-worthy rant of why I ran away, I have some... Interesting news to let you all in on.

Concerning Illumine, (well, you'll hear all the details in my rant) it has been on the shelf for the past few weeks. I wouldn't exactly call it cold feet, just empty feeling. I'm not quite sure what you call it in terms of writing issues- Creeping Rot Disease, maybe? It's like, every time I pick it up, I get this feeling that since I stalled so long already, maybe it just wasn't meant to be done. But I know better. It's just Creeping Rot Disease, so I took a much-needed break for a bit, and now, it's time to return.

Second piece of interesting news is that I'm conducting a sort of experiment, if you will. I'm recording some pieces of thoughts and ideas for a possible book that, if I complete, will hopefully shine a curious light on something many girls face. I can't speak much of it, not wanting to ruin the surprise, but if I complete the 50 days of research, I'll have more than enough data to write the book.

So with that aside, I guess I should explain myself, eh?

I wish I could say that I fell into a magical hole somewhere and got lost in the caverns of time and space, exploring new dimensions and places where past, present, and future all tie into one. But tragically, it's more of the fact that things got a little too hot for me to handle, and very expectantly, I flew from the kitchen. Not just flew, but took the next jet to China to avoid it. A lot of it was personal, really. I felt bogged down by tons of things in life; my friends, family, boyfriend, writing, work, any little add on just had me spiraling further into the smallest corner of the black box of misery and woe. For the record, it sucks in there. You feel worthless, incapable of completing anything past breathing, and you spend more time trying to fix everyone's lives but your own, because it's so easy to help anyone else, but you? That's impossible.

Small, insignificant things like weight became a bit of a crazy focus, so I went on several quick crash diets, all of which failed. Then a few friends grew hostile with me, my boyfriend began to worry over rent payments, and my parents are all over the place. Failing to see any consistency in my life, I did a few dramatic moves, and I feel better for it. Better enough to step back up to the plate and say, "Let's finish this."

In the past two weeks or so, I took on Zumba classes with a fierceness, did the treadmill at home, and made the choice to eat right. Bam. Ten pounds gone. A temporary win, but I took it with pride. In the same momentous decision making, I cut out a few friends that chose not to support my decision to write. Bam. I instantly didn't feel like I was faking emotions for someone any more. This kept going from telling the boyfriend that we'd make it by, to not worry, and with that, I smiled. If in a few moves I could make myself feel better, then the same should apply to my writing. It might not happen overnight, but if I take it one step at a time, I shouldn't drown. The feeling that I could accomplish my dreams in just a little time, with a little patience and persistence, made me feel tons, TONS, better. So I started re-evaluating Illumine and it's small flaws, I began to sketch my cover for it, and I took charge. It won't happen overnight, but it'll happen if I keep at it.